The College World Reporter

The College World=20 Reporter

May 2010=20

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Success=20 Language =20

Interpersonal Skills For = Workplace=20 and=20 = Life

Small=20 Talk: More Than Just 'Idle Conversation'...A = Networking=20 Skill =20
By Sylvia = Henderson,=20 = MBA

We cannot judge either of the = feelings or=20 of the character of [men] with perfect accuracy, = from=20 their actions or their appearance in public: it = is from=20 their careless conversation, their half-finished = sentences, that we may hope with the greatest=20 probability of success to discover their real=20 character."
- Maria Edgeworth (Anglo-Irish = novelist,=20 1767-1849)

When you meet someone = for the=20 first time, what do you say to that person? = Usually you=20 strike-up a conversation to learn who they are, = what=20 they do, and how they can help you. I submit = that to=20 establish a more-positive interaction, learn how = you can=20 help them, also. Conversational skills are an = important=20 subset of effective communication skills and are = often=20 not mentioned in communication skills programs. = However,=20 on a daily basis and in seemingly = inconsequential=20 situations you tend to have short, informal=20 conversations-otherwise known as engaging in = small=20 talk-more than you make formal=20 presentations.

I used to consider = such=20 interaction "idle conversation" until I learned = and=20 understood how much I communicate about myself=20 personally and professionally in these brief = encounters.=20 In fact, the subtle messages you convey when = engaged in=20 conversations are often stronger than those in = formal=20 presentations because you are not in a rehearsed = situation.

Let's look at some = pointers for=20 effective conversational skills to help you = plan,=20 experience, engage in, and end the necessary = chit-chat=20 for establishing and building relationships that = lead to=20 networking, job interview, professional, and = personal=20 success.

Become a "worldly = person"=20 ahead of time. Make learning about a = variety of=20 topics an ongoing practice. Where conversational = skills=20 are concerned, become a student of much and = master of=20 little. Read everything: cookbooks, newspapers,=20 magazines, reviews, product inserts, maps, signs = and=20 catalogs. Everything is a source of information = open for=20 discussion. Immerse yourself in culture, both = high and=20 low. Television, music, sports, fashion, art and = poetry=20 are great sources of chat. If you dislike = classical=20 music, your reason for disliking it is also a = topic for=20 small talk. Engage in new experiences. Eat = something=20 new. Play a game you never played before. Search = for=20 obscure facts on the Internet. Attempt a craft. = Try=20 something new as often as you can. The more you = expose=20 yourself to experiencing, the more fodder you = have for=20 conversations and the more confident you feel = with a=20 variety of people.

Keep a=20 journal. Write down funny stories you = hear,=20 beautiful things you see, quotations you find, = and=20 observations you make. That story of your = encounter at=20 the dog park, or a missed travel connection, or = the=20 automobile technician's accurate diagnosis could = become=20 great opening lines for = conversations.

As=20 you prepare for an event, identify three = things=20 to talk about and three generic = questions that=20 will get others=20 talking.

Force = yourself to=20 get started. Take a few deep breaths. = Make sure=20 you are tucked-in, zipped-up, and wiped-off, = then forge=20 ahead to find a "friendly face" or break into a=20 conversation. You will find that quite often, = small=20 clusters of people just met each other a few = moments=20 before you appeared. They are no more committed = to each=20 other than the few additional minutes they = happen to be=20 talking with each other. My experience is that,=20 repeatedly, these small clusters are quite happy = to have=20 me join them as I provide a new set of ears and = renewed=20 energy for additional conversation. However, = before you=20 enter into a conversation that is already in = progress,=20 observe and listen. Keep from squashing the=20 communications dynamics with an unsuited or = ill-timed=20 remark.

Be the first to say = "hello." Offer your name to ease the = pressure=20 of other people trying to remember your name. = Use=20 people's names. Repeat them often. This helps = you=20 remember their names and lets them know that you = are=20 talking to them=20 = specifically.

Smile. The=20 other person is probably as nervous as you are.=20 Conversation is an uncomfortable process for = many=20 people, especially between strangers. The more = open and=20 inviting you appear to be, the more others will = feel=20 comfortable approaching = you.

Ask=20 questions to get people talking. = Remember those=20 three generic questions you planned ahead of = time?=20 (Previous paragraph.) Get people talking by = leading with=20 "common ground" questions regarding the event or = location, and then ask a related open-ended = question.=20 For example, "This room seems more crowded / = less noisy=20 than last year. How long have you been coming to = these=20 gatherings?" You can also ask about their = commute, or=20 how they know the host. Ask about what caused = them to=20 come to the event. Ask about their background; = hobbies;=20 experience in business; classes and after-school = activities. Most people love to talk about = themselves=20 and you can learn a lot about someone when they = do the=20 talking.

Keep = conversations=20 at a high level-casual and positive. = Small talk=20 is supposed to be light. Deep feelings and = intense=20 personal stories are inappropriate until an = initial=20 distance threshold is mutually crossed and you = each give=20 permission to the other to move to a deeper = level of=20 trust. One might argue that this encourages = superficial=20 relationships. It has been my experience that in = business and professional settings, we meet and = converse=20 with more people by remaining neutral until we = make a=20 connection that establishes a foundation for = deeper=20 discussion. Stick to safe small talk topics: the = weather, sports, or terrible traffic conditions. = Keep in=20 mind that small talk is an effective way for the = other=20 person to assess your people skills and to = examine you=20 react under pressure. He or she observes your = body=20 language and communication ability; what you = actually=20 say during the conversation is=20 secondary.

Along the same vein,=20 avoid controversial topics and=20 opinions. A rule of thumb is no = politics,=20 religion, sex, money, inappropriate humor or=20 generalizations. Refuse to gossip, complain, = pass=20 rumors, or otherwise engage in negative=20 comments.

The way to find the = connection=20 that leads to a deeper level of discussion is to = pick up=20 on key words. Ask open-ended questions. = Use a=20 reporter's maxim: ask who, what, when, = where,=20 why, and sometimes, how.

Be = brief. Make only two or three = statements before=20 you pause to let the other person=20 speak.

Be an active=20 listener. Did someone just say she = loves=20 building furniture or boating farther? Did the=20 interviewer just ask about your workplace = flexibility or=20 weekend availability? Pay attention and keep = from=20 scanning the room while they are talking to you. = You=20 leave a negative impression when you pay poor = attention=20 to a person trying to make casual conversation. = The=20 other person may think that you are = disinterested.=20 Maintain eye contact. This lets your = conversation=20 partner know that you are paying attention to = them and=20 that your mind is not wandering.

If=20 there are people you especially want to=20 meet, one of the best ways to approach = them is=20 to ask someone they know and respect to = introduce you.=20 Ask a mutual friend or colleague to do the = honors. Ask=20 your host to do so. He or she should know who = the guests=20 are, or at least has the best reason for = approaching a=20 stranger and asking who she or he = is.

When=20 you receive a business card, = accept it=20 as a gift. Hold it in both hands and take a = moment to=20 read it. When you are done, put the business = card away=20 in a pocket, purse or wallet to show that you = value=20 receiving the card.

Beware = of your=20 body language. If you look ill at ease, = you=20 "make" others uncomfortable. Act confident and=20 comfortable, even when you are = not.

In a=20 job interview conversation, = jump on=20 comments made by the other party. If the = interviewer=20 says he went to the same college that you did, = or if he=20 mentions you have some common interests, take = the=20 comment and turn it into a short (2 to 3 = sentences)=20 conversation. Look interested, even if the topic = discussed is not interesting. Small talk exists = to break=20 the ice, not to engage you in the type of = interesting=20 conversation you would have with people you=20 know.

Another tricky point about=20 conversational job interviews is to = avoid=20 revealing too much about yourself. = Legal=20 restrictions keep interviewers from outright = asking=20 about your family situation, health, sexuality, = and=20 other topics not directly related to your = ability to do=20 the job. Yet, you may divulge such information = in what=20 you perceive to be casual conversation. My rule = of thumb=20 in job and client interviews is that there is no = such=20 thing as "off the record" or "casual = conversation".=20 Everything is "on the record" and fair game for=20 influencing perceptions and decisions=20 later.

You may encounter the = opposite of a=20 reluctant speaker...the person who goes = on-and-on and=20 from whom you feel you cannot extract yourself = away to=20 move on to meet others. Adopt an ending = ahead of=20 time that you can use to close most=20 conversations. Have a few exit lines ready, so = that you=20 can both move on without offending the other. = Some=20 examples of such prepared lines include, "I need = to=20 speak with a client over there;" "The food is = hot. Let=20 me go wash my hands so I can grab a bite;" or = you can=20 offer to refresh their drink.

When = should=20 you exit a conversation? According to Susan = RoAne,=20 author and speaker known as the "Mingling = Maven," your=20 objective in conversational encounters should be = to make=20 a good impression and leave people wanting more. = To do=20 that, she advises: "Be bright. Be brief. Be=20 gone."

The best way to get=20 comfortable with small talk and conversation is = to=20 practice. Put yourself in situations = where you=20 have to meet people and talk to them to fulfill = your=20 goals. Strike up conversations with everyone you = come=20 across-cashiers, people waiting in line with = you, the=20 taxicab driver, your restaurant server, the mail = clerk=20 behind the post office counter, neighbors, = co-workers=20 and kids. Chat with people who are different = from you in=20 age, life experiences, gender, and other=20 demographics.

Hone your = conversational=20 skills and watch your interpersonal connections = soar!=20

About the=20 Author:

Sylvia Henderson is = Founder and=20 Chief Everything Officer (CEO) of Springboard = Training.=20 She is an expert in the "people skills" for = workplace,=20 professional, and life success. Sylvia = facilitates=20 workshops, trains, speaks, writes, and has a = television=20 program that all focus on personal development = and=20 interpersonal skills. An alumna of Cheyney = University=20 (BS-Education; Zeta Phi Beta Sorority) and the=20 University of Pittsburgh (MBA), Sylvia's = affiliations=20 also include Toastmasters International = (DTM-level=20 speaker), National Speakers Association, Girl = Scouts of=20 the USA, and Women On Wheels Motorcycle=20 Association.

Bring=20 Sylvia to work with your organization=20 via SpringboardTraining.com. =20 Experience her monthly learning connections = via Subscribe2Succeed.com.=20 Sylvia is based in the Washington DC metro area, = yet=20 travels extensively and increasingly offers = electronic=20 and web-based resources.

Contact=20 Information: =20

Springboard Training

P. O. Box 588

Olney, MD = 20830-0588

301-260-1538=20

SpringboardTraining.com

Legal=20 = Information

The=20 CWR logo, the It's = A=20 Reader's World logo, and the names,=20 Leader's, Mentors, and Role = Models;=20 Career Zone; and = Security=20 Focus are all either trademarks or = copyrights=20 owned by Donell Edwards Media, and may not be = copied,=20 reproduced, or used in any manner without prior = written=20 consent.

Disclaimer

The=20 College World Reporter may contain links to = websites=20 that are created and maintained by other = organizations.=20 Donell Edwards Media does not necessarily = endorse the=20 views expressed on these websites, nor does it = guarantee=20 the accuracy or completeness of any information=20 presented=20 = there.

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